Lost and Found

For one of Taylor's classes, he has study hall in the library and the lost and found is located in the library.  I guess he checks the lost and found regularly and last week noticed that there was a watch in there.  He came home on Friday with this watch on his wrist.  I asked him about it and he said that it had been in the lost and found and it had been there for a while (found out a while equates 3 days) so he took it.  I didn't get to much more from him, but later when his Grandma came home the conversation went more like this:

Grandma: Where did you get that watch?
T: I found it in the lost and found.
Grandma: Was it yours?
T: No, it was lost and I found it!

Now T has a watch that beeps every hour and the alarm went off a couple times and he couldn't figure out how to stop it.  My response, well you found it =)

I love how kids think and reason.  Don't always love all the teaching that has to follow some of these decisions, but it always keeps life interesting.

Opening up

I recently saw an episode of Katie where she interviewed some moms who take medicine to be a better mom. The topic was picked and gone into more depth from an article in Parenting magazine, the section on the show was labeled Xanax makes me a better mom. These moms had depression and needed antidepressants.  On the website it has several quotes that explain how depression is experienced by different people. Each of these moms all shared the same feelings that if they are depressed they aren't a good mom, by taking their medications they are able to be attentive and overall a better mom.  This is an opinion that I agree with.

There is still so much astigmatism around depression that it is hard to be open. Within the Parenting article, they bring up the fact that when studying depression, that parenting was not part of the studies.  I agree with some point that were brought up about just giving a pill to everyone who want to always be happy. I know that there is an over prescribed amount of antidepressants, like some other medications, and like those other drugs, there are some serious side effects that can happen from taking these kinds of medications.  Even when these medications are needed, you need to make sure you are working with a mental health professional who knows how to properly diagnose you and can work closely with you so you find the right medication for your specific needs.

I'm not trying to sound preachy, I just know how important it is to be properly diagnosed. I bring this up because I have gone back and forth in my decision to share this part of my life and face the possible backlash that can come from people knowing this much about me.  Depression is more than just feeling sad about having a bad day.  Chemical depression goes further to where you feel like you have sunk into quicksand.  When I start going downhill, I don't even realize what is going on.  For a long time, I had no idea that this was a large part of why I would struggle through simple parts of my life. I was blessed to have a loving sister who shared her feelings that I was, "going to ruin my marriage" because of my actions.

For me, it went past just being "lazy" and "unmotivated," I was more than just "tired" or was having some "pain."  I had several moments when driving around the city when I would be the first one stopped at the Trax crossing and would try to calculate how far I could pull in front of the train to just get knocked out (so I could have a break from life) but not die. Other times I would watch the planes take off from the airport that was by our home and wish for one to drop on me.  I know that I really didn't want to die, but there were guilty feelings that I wasn't good enough and that I was causing my family too much money because of my diseases.    By this time my family realized things were getting more serious with me and made plans to intervene and get me help.  I didn't have to be hospitalized but it did lead to me getting the proper help and diagnosis so that my depression can be better under control.  It will always be there, like type 1 diabetes, but with proper medication, it can be managed for the most part.

Why would I share this now?  I was appalled while watching the show that people would make comments along the line that they shouldn't be a parent, period, if they needed antidepressants.  To me this is like saying that if you have diabetes you shouldn't have children.  If you could have cancer, you shouldn't have children. We have as much control over getting depression as we do over getting cancer.  Depression is invisible, if you saw me, your first thought wouldn't be "look, she is depressed!"  It's not like having a broken arm or surgery.  Most of the people that we see that are homeless are there due to mental illness and we look and say "how sad" or "that person is crazy."  Both thoughts are true, to a point, it is sad and the person does have mental illness, crazy might not be the best description of that person (nor very PC, but I'm not very PC, I am crazy :)).

I am proud to say that it has almost been a year since my family had their little intervention with me.  I have been seeing a Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner (aka crazy pill nurse).  I have had a lot of family who have stayed close and have been wonderfully supportive   I have friends that have been so understanding.  Both have been very loving.  On the other hand, there have been people who have been incredibly judgmental and some who seem okay but have put distance between us.  Sometimes it can be painful with both groups, It's hard to have people not like me over something that I have no control over and it is hard to see the concern in the eyes of people I love.  I am very blessed to have so many loved ones and to have learned to be stronger due to the people who have made life hard.

We all will have our own struggles that we need to overcome. Because of this, we have all been put here to help each other and to lift each other. We shouldn't be making it harder for each other, we need to be loving and helpful. At least that's what I believe.

Note to Self

Rachelle, please pay attention:

I am not the same person I was before being diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. I am not the same person I was before having surgery almost 2 years ago.  I am also not the same person I was before being diagnosed with R/A.  I need to keep that in mind and STOP COMPARING MYSELF WITH MY OLD SELF!  It is okay that I am not the same.  I am still beautiful, smart, and able to do many things.  They may be different things than before but I can still love life and live it to it's fullest.

I started today in pain, feeling tired and feeling down.  I started today with 2 pieces of chocolate cake. That may have tasted wonderful, however, it did nothing for how I felt.  As the morning went on, I felt even more down, more tired, and more pain.  I made the decision to go to the gym.  I actually got myself up, got dressed and drove to the gym.  That means that I left the house.  That is huge!  Not even my old self would have done that.

The after effects of making that decision has been good.  I noticed a difference just by getting dressed.  I am still tired and sore but now I have earned the right to feel that way.  I worked hard to feel sore.  I may be tired but it's not the run down, can't focus tired that I normally have. It doesn't make sense but I feel refreshed.  I don't have those down feelings now.  So far I am loving the effects of going to the gym and focusing on just making my body move.

My old self could move and work full time and keep the house perfect and most days could take on the world.  As fun as that was, I am okay with focusing on just a couple things at a time and learning my new limits.  Well, not always okay, but learning to change my thinking so that it is okay.

I need to remember this day...Remember that I "ran" 1.5 miles on the elliptical and it felt great!  Now that I know I can do that, I need to say, "SUCK IT OLD SELF!!!!

Life Coaster - Faith

This last week has been relatively quiet in my life other than having the same head cold that everyone else has in our County. However, that is not our normal.  I have really liked our last week and will take my head cold with all of it's phlegm and snot included.  I have visited with friends and family and read their postings on their blogs and Facebook and found out that they are all having so much stress that they're just hanging on.  I'm in shock that I'm not part of all the stress that everyone else is facing and it hurts my heart to know that so many people that I love are struggling and hurting.

I normally refer to my life as a roller coaster ride and even found this Thrill Scale and if I use this rating system to rate my normal life I think I'm somewhere between In(tense) and Ex(treme).  I will admit that there are times that this is a self imposed situation.  I know that my decisions impact my life and cause a lot of my drama.

I read a Blog that was recommended by my cousin that is written by her friends husband. He does an amazing job sharing his feelings everyday and most of them are based on his faith.  We belong to the same religion. I was raised within this religion and when I reached adolescence I began to question parts of my religion. Over the years I have had several times when both my husband and I have questioned our beliefs.  I enjoy reading other blogs and other posts on Facebook where people are so sure of their beliefs. I sometimes wonder how they can be so strong and never waver in their faith.  Never (as far as I know) question some of the commandments that we are to follow within our faith.

Why am I sharing this?  Because I am trying to make myself fit within this little box where I should be this perfect little member and even though this is the decision that we have made, I am still sometimes struggling with things. Many people will say that I am going through this because I don't have enough faith. Others will say that I am letting Satan influence my decisions and that is why I am struggling, that he is playing off of my weaknesses.  No matter what anyone else says or thinks about me, my problem is that I let their comments or what I think they might be thinking of me influence my choices.  This is when I start down the extreme life coaster (no wheels, thus life coaster instead of roller coaster) and stress myself out. I also missed church today because we are all still sick and so the guilt starts to set in.

No matter what I chose to do at this stage in my journey, there are truths that I know and will never deny. I know that  am a child of a loving Heavenly Father. I know that Christ suffered, died and was resurrected for me. I know that I need to have God in my life and a way for me to feel his presence in my life everyday. I know that there is a difference between taking a step back and becoming apostate.  I know that the scriptures are here for us to use in our lives. They help us and guide us through each of the ups and downs that we face.  I know that through Christ's Atonement that even when I struggle or question that as long as I'm doing everything I can to become a little better each day he will help me to find answers to those questions and fill in the rough spots.  He will not let me fail.

I spend so much time being so hard on myself and expecting perfection from myself even though I know, somewhere in here, that I'm not that far along in my journey to really expect that of myself. There is still so much that I have to learn and I need to be patient while I go through all the steps to get to a place where I can understand the answers that go with the questions that I have. At some point I need to understand that one of my challenges is that I was absent when patience was handed out.  I may always have some questions and things that I don't understand.  I will probably (okay, most likely) never learn how to ease up on myself.   But maybe, just maybe, if I keep reminding myself of what I do know then one day it might not be so hard to fit within my little box.  I already know that I find much happiness here and as long as I keep moving forward I hope to find more happiness.

When a Vacuum meets a Bottle Brush

When I went to vacuum last Friday (I have vacuumed since) I had to once again deal with my vacuum being clogged.  I have to deal with this about every other week.  I don't understand what the difference is between our house now and our old house but for some reason we seem to produce much more carpet lint here (or something).  Last Friday it was especially traumatic since my normal, if you can call it that, went crazy.

Here it is from the beginning.  This was one of my first big cleaning days since my operation. I had been doing little things and then taking a break and then do a little more. But, when I first had Kelton I didn't listen to the doctor and I vacuumed to early and I truly paid for not listening.  All I remember is pain, lots of pain, and a promise to never overdo it again.  I was a little scared to vacuum after all of my complications.  I'm a wimp, on with my mishap.

I turned on the vacuum and noticed that it wasn't sucking anything up.  I kept trying to see if I was just being overly picky but when I pulled the hose off to go around the edge of the wall the beater brush started to blow dirt and whatever else I thought I had just vacuumed up into the air.  I was covered. Here I go again, time to clean out the stupid thing.

I tipped it over and pulled out my handy dandy screw driver.  I pulled out the top part of the hose that was the long part that you pull out to get the edges.  Then I unscrewed the bottom part of the short part of the tube and started trying to find the clog.

Squeezing and pulling at the longer hose I start to find gunck.  I started to pull on it and it slowly came out just a little bit at a time.  I started to beat the hose against the vacuum and got some more gunck out.  I thought it was all out of the long hose and started to focus on the shorter part that came from the beater brush.

I could see dirt in there but couldn't get to it.  I had this brilliant idea.  I knew that we had an old baby bottle brush under the sink and thought that would be the perfect tool to get the dirt pushed through and out of the hose. Instead of just pushing the dirt out it somehow sucked the bottle brush into the hose.  Now what?

My boys were extremely helpful and told me that now the vacuum was really broken.  That was not going to work for me.  I was not going to be the one who broke the vacuum and I was going to get that brush out and vacuum before Kenny got home.

I grabbed the screwdriver and took the entire bottom off the vacuum.  I knew that the beater bar would come off somehow.  Oh, it did come out and it took the belt out with it.  Why did it pull the belt into all this? I have no idea how the belt came into all this.  Where in the world does the belt go?  I decided to focus on the stupid bottle brush and would worry about the belt later.

As I was pulling the beater brush off I moved the vacuum just right and it turned the vacuum on.  Now it was blowing dust and dirt all over me.  Now I was really covered in crap.  There was this moment when I was in shock and was so busy holding my hands up to block the dust from getting into my eyes that I didn't know what to do.  Duh, unplug the vacuum.  I started thinking that throwing it off our balcony into traffic sounded really good.  Then I would take a shower and figure out how to buy a new vacuum.

Instead I was able to get the bottle brush out and I figured out how to put the belt on all by myself.  I know, right!!  I was able to pull more guncky stuff out of the long hose and put the rest of the vacuum back together.  I plugged the vacuum back in and being very proud of myself I turned it on to vacuum before Kenny got home.

The hose was still plugged.  The vacuum was immediately turned off and left right in the walk way.  I went to the computer and played solitaire.  It was either that or once again throw the vacuum into traffic.

Kenny fixed the vacuum and got the long hose all emptied out and eventually I got a shower and washed all the dirt off me.

Imagine, this all took place in less than an hour.  It took me longer to write about it :)

Lesson: don't clean a vacuum with a bottle brush!

A Morbid Rabbit Hole

This whole idea came up because I love to read the articles by Robert Kirby in The Salt Lake Tribune.  Last Saturday Kirby wrote about a friend of his that died and the service was for his friend.  It reminded me of my Great Aunt Betty's funeral and my dad's funeral and I started to compare them and also think about how my funeral should be. I know that funerals are for the people you leave behind but I still have to be in control and ya'll have to grieve the way I tell ya too! haha!

I have added the article that made me start to think about all of this and I had to add it because of the amazing way that this gentlemen's family honored him.  It was so incredibly thoughtful and loving.

http://www.sltrib.com/sltrib/lifestyle/52545285-80/funeral-kirby-comes-robert.html.csp

When we had left the funeral for Aunt Betty I was talking with my boys and told them that I don't want a sad funeral.  I want it casual and there has to be food.  I would like it to be similar to how my dad's was.  We got together as a family and talked about things my dad had done and we told the same old funny stories that we had hear a million times but they were still funny and it was how we remembered my dad.  The rule for me is that everyone has to come with some funny story to share, if you don't have one you can pick one from the blog and read that.  The whole point is everyone should be able to laugh and share stories.    

I then specified that I want a pink coffin.  Not a tacky bubble gum pink, but a subtle pink sort of like the coffin above. I like just that hint of pink.  I think I would have the inside embroidered with a Temple instead of the tacky rose.  Anything would be better than that rose!  I'm not sure as to what I want to wear, do I go with tradition or rebel and wear some fancy gown (I was a princess for my wedding, I could be one in death). Morbid, I know.

Kirby mentioned that he didn't know what mementos he would want to have with him.  As far as what mementos I want with me, I have no idea.  I think the bulk of the weight of my dad's coffin was from all of his mementos.  If they could have put his race car in there with him they would have.  That part I don't understand, it's not like you get to take them with you.  All they will do is sit inside your coffin making it squishy for your legs and rot.  I would rather have someone using my things and enjoying them like I did instead of rotting down by my feet. I really don't care that at that time I will be dead, the whole idea of having the area for my legs and feet being squished kind of creeps me out.  Like this whole post should creep me out but I really think it's funny that I have put any thought into this at all.

I know, this whole thing is just morbid.  At the same time I think it is funny.  Who else would plan their funeral long before there is ever a need.  I guess since my 2 close calls last month I have thought about it a little.  Kenny's idea of planning is to have me not claim his body and make the State take care of him.  I would never do that but he has said on several occasions that is what I'm to do.  Whatever!

No matter what happens or when it happens you have all been told what to do when I die.  You have your assignment and I will show up at the funeral if your not laughing and eating.  I will definitely show up if there are any loooooong speech's.  I will be the mute button!!! :)

The Hospital - part 1 The Surgery

This unattractive picture is of me on June 19th is right before I went into surgery for a "routine" vaginal hysterectomy. I was so nervous but Kenny and my Mom did a pretty good job of keeping me distracted.

This picture is of my ted hose. They were so much fun to put on (I hope you can read my sarcasm here). I was handed my hospital gown, ted hose and non slip hospital socks. I was already a little unsteady from not eating and taking my pill for anxiety. If anyone has ever put on ted hose you know how tight they are. I was in the little bathroom standing there folded in half trying to pull those hose up. I can't even tell you how light headed I was from putting on those stinkin hose. To top it off there is this hole in the bottom so they can check my circulation easily. That hole bugged me to no end. I'm pretty sure it bugged me even while I was under anesthesia.
My surgery ended up lasting from around 12:30 pm until sometime after 7 pm. I wasn't aware of this until I kind of woke up a little in recovery and was told that it was 8:00 pm. I almost died. I couldn't believe how late it was and had no idea what had happened to make my 2 hour surgery last so long. While I was under and being worked on my sister and husband were racing up and down the hall outside the waiting room in a wheelchair. I guess they had tons of fun, I'm glad that they had fun and found something to do to distract themselves. Leave it to those two to think of that as their option for entertainment. I love those two!!

I really wish my mom could have gotten a picture of them playing in the halls of the hospital like that. It would have been great!

Once I was finally moved into my hospital room and could see everyone I found out that the hysterectomy went fine but my uterus was stuck to my bladder and they had to "filet" it apart. This resulted in my bladder being cut 3 times and my ureter to my right kidney being either twisted or cut or both. They had to put a stint in to repair that. They also had to call in a Urologist to fix my bladder. He had to open me up to do the repair and then for some reason they closed me up, then tested my bladder and found it was still leaking so I was opened back up and the final repair to my bladder was done. I couldn't believe how many stitches I ended up with by the end. I was stitched in my vagina for they hysterectomy, in my bladder and in my hip to hip incision. That first night and the next morning I was so thankful for my happy button that I could push for pain meds whenever they little button was blinking. There was a few times when I would just watch the button for it to start blinking.

I was so happy after surgery when I could finally get some ice chips. My mouth was so dry and I was so hungry by 8:00 that evening that I couldn't get enough ice chips. My sister and Kenny were kind to feed me. They even got the spoon in straight so I could get the ice and water in without a big mess. I am so thankful for them and their help.

Due to the injury to my bladder I had to have a folly catheter and drain in my abdomen. Two things that I have never had before. The day after surgery my Aide tried to get me out of bed and try to walk some. I was so weak and in so much pain that I passed out and luckily landed in a chair that Kenny had just moved behind me. When everyone noticed that there was a problem Kenny left the room to get help but my mom stayed and saw me have a seizure right before the Aide couldn't find my pulse and pulled the code lever. I was able to recover without any help other than my Aide slapping me in the face and yelling for me to open my eyes. Unfortunately the doctor didn't believe that I had a seizure and downplayed the code. She actually called it a false code and that it should have never been called. It's nice to know that no pulse doesn't qualify as needing a code, makes me wonder, what does require one then?

I think Kenny was just about ready to scream when the code was over and the first thing I asked was if he had gotten any pictures of the code and the chaos. I guess getting out of the way so they could work on me was more important than taking pictures. Go figure!

On my 4th day of being in the hospital, they sent me home with my catheter and my drain and showed me how to empty both and how to record the amount that was in my drain. There was no instructions on what to watch for if there was any more complications. There was no information on the Urologist who I needed to follow up with and to only call my OBGYN in a couple days to see about getting my drain removed. It was like they just wanted me out of there.

Part 2 to come soon....I've been up for a while and need some rest now.

To Judge or To Love

I have had a really hard time this week coming up with things to write about. It sounds weird, I know, but there hasn't been too much going on in our lives and I can always write about one of my silly stories (there are so many) but I didn't feel like writing just to write. I love to write and to share my stories from the past and my experiences that I am currently experiencing. There are a few blogs that I faithfully read because they always lift me up, make me laugh and inspire me to be a better person. I just got done catching up on my reading and have found a common theme in my life this week. I have constantly been surrounded by amazing people who are strong and funny and have helped to keep me strong and moving forward this week. These are lessons that I can carry with me forever!

Each of these instances now mean more to me as I remember them and see what I learned from each moment; whether that moment was in person or through someone else's blog. Taylor is just starting into Scouting and had passed off all of his requirements to earn his first two rank advancements. I am not familiar with Scouting since I'm a girl and I don't have any brothers that would have been involved in the Boy Scouts. We took Taylor over to our church for the board of review. This was both mine and Taylor's first experience with a board of review. There were only two of the members of the board that showed up but it didn't slow them down one bit (I guess there should be three) they just went forward and met with Taylor and one of the other boys in his den. I rarely see Taylor nervous about anything, but he was so nervous sitting in front of these two men. The two who were interviewing Taylor for his advancements are actually cousins and they were so much fun to be with. We spent most of our time laughing. Evidentially that is not normal either. Who knew! I have so much respect for them. Neither of these men talked down to Taylor or made him feel stupid or bad for not being able to repeat the Oath or the Pledge. Instead, the one leader stood with Taylor and had him repeat them after him. Isn't that why we are here, to help each other and if we don't know something or are scared we help them and walk them through whatever they are struggling with. Thank you, and you know who you are, for being such good leaders.

While reading one of my favorite blogs I learned that the author of this blog has had some hardships over the past year that she has tried to keep within her family but must have said something on her blog that got back to her family. She only has one sister like me and whatever it is that happened has led to her sister not being a part of her life now. I feel so bad right now for her, I just want drive to her State and find her and give her a big hug. There have been several times over the years that my sister and I haven't always gotten along and went for long periods of time without talking. We are a lot closer now and I cherish the friendship that we have now. It would kill me to loose that bond that we now have. I have realized over the years how important my family is to me and that I want them in my life and close to me. I did share a part of my life from years ago and it did hurt some of my family, I felt horrible because that wasn't my intentions and that is not how life is now. Now, life is good and I have my family around me.

Today I met a single dad while Taylor and I were at Shriners for Taylor's check up. His son's story is miraculous. He is a true inspiration, as most children are up there. His dad's story is almost just as amazing, it was fun to hear about him growing up in Iran. He has led quit the life. He is moving just outside of Logan next month and has invited us to his ranch for dinner after they are settled; he has promised some Iranian food. I'm not sure if he will actually get in touch with me for us to get our families together, but if he does I think my boys will have fun with his son, you can't help but love him.

For the last several weeks we have been studying the parables that Christ taught. I love reading and studying what Christ taught and hearing how other people interpret the stories. Out of the three that we went over on Sunday, two of the parables had to do with not judging others. Out of all of my experiences this week I have seen the pain that has come from people judging others and the joy that can come when you open your heart and accept our differences. It would be really easy to pick any number of excuses to hold a grudge about the things that has happened in my life over the years and not have anything to do with my family or other people who have trespassed against Kenny and I. However, my life would be empty and I would have missed out on a lot of joy that we have shared. In other instances I could just judge and not give people a chance. However, if I had done that I could miss out on some wonderful friendships. I have definitely spent plenty of time being on the side of judging others (usually just for what they are wearing) and I have been on the receiving end of being judged by people who didn't know me and had never even said hi to me or my family.

I am grateful for these opportunities to learn and be reminded of why it's important to forgive and not close my heart off to others. Thank you to everyone out there, whether you know it or not, for teaching me how to let the bad things in life go and to not judge someone on how they look or what they may be going through at this time in their life.

As I am reading over this it has come together in a random way, however, that is just how my life is. Nothing comes in order or necessarily make sense at the time but when everything comes full circle it starts to make sense. I love it when everything comes together and I can learn a lesson that I can carry with me forever. I'm pretty sure I will have to reminded of this lesson again, but for now I will enjoy all of the precious moments I will have with family, friends, and people I have yet to meet.

Eat, Pray, Love

I sat awake for a long time last night thinking about this movie and the life lessons that I learned while watching it. I should probably read the book now, books are always better. There are so many times and places that we learn little life lessons and I am thankful to all of you out there that are willing to share the lessons that you are learning, they help me a lot. In my stupor of sleepiness, I decided that I am going to start a new subject called life lessons and share all of the silly, thought provoking, or inspiring life lessons that I learn along the way.

I truly did not think this picture would be this big!!

I love the journey that Liz went on through this story. I don't think we need to travel the world to have some of the same eye opening experiences and to grow and learn like she did. I'm really only saying that because I can't travel the world to learn about myself, I have to do it here from my home and drag ya'll with me.

EAT: I think this was my favorite part. I love to eat, it was fun to see her in Rome, and it was wonderful to see a woman learn to appreciate herself just as she is. Since I was raised Italian, it was fun to see her eating some of the food that we love and to see her in situations that I can relate to (not being Rome), the noise of the family and the expressions that are shared with each other using your whole body. Very seldom can I get through a conversation without using my hands and once they start they can really get going as fast as my mouth. Back to eat; I loved the part where her friend is having a hard time with her "muffin top" and Liz asks her if she has ever undressed for a man and had him make a mean comment or leave. Her friend answers no and Liz says that is because they don't care. Once they are done eating their pizza they go off to buy some "fat jeans". Throughout this entire part of the movie I learned that it's not just to eat food that we need to be able to appreciate all that is offered to us to take in and digest. We have our families, our friends, and anything else out there for us to enjoy. That will be something different for each of us, but we need to take the time to slowly take these things in and appreciate them. And, we still need to remember the food, we definitely need to eat our food slowly and appreciate good food (not just any food, only good food).

PRAY: There is that part of us that needs to know that there is someone who is more powerful than us that is watching over us. That this person is there for us to hand our problems over to and take them off of our shoulders. Once again, that is going to be different for each of us. Spirituality is so unique and deeply personal for each person that I wouldn't even begin to preach or say how you can find that place for yourself. For me, I read my scriptures, I pray to God, and I have developed over the years a strong testimony of God and that he is there. He knows me and knows my needs and He will take my problems off of my shoulders and help me when I will allow Him. Whatever journey each of you are on, I hope that you can find your center and have peace in your life.

LOVE: In the movie Liz has been through one emotional relationship after another and is scared to open her heart again and love someone again. A large portion of her journey is to forgive herself so that she can move forward and learn to love and accept love again. Forgiving yourself can be the hardest part. I know that I will hang onto things that I did years ago because I just can't forgive myself for being a dork or what ever else it is that I did. I know that by doing this that it has made it hard for me to completely let God in and to feel of his love and to also let Kenny in and completely feel of his love. I know it's there but I'm always so busy nit picking everything that I do wrong that I don't stop and just accept that compliment or accept that my wonderful husband does love me just how I am. We have to love ourselves first and that is a journey that I am still on. Somewhere in there I got stuck at a Jr. High stage and I just haven't progressed much, but I'm getting there. This is one of my hardest journey's that I am going through in life.

While I watched the movie I didn't think to much about all the lessons that applied to me in my life. I'm not even sure if anyone else spent the time to think about this too deeply either or even see any resemblances to their lives. Even though I am about ready to fall asleep right now because I was up so late with all of this running through my mind, I'm glad that I had that time to look at my life and check to see if I am working to move forward and enjoy this life that I have been blessed with or if I'm stuck or heaven forbid moving backward. Pretty sure I'm not moving backward. Now my job is to take all of this and use it in my life so that I can become a better person. One who can truly eat, pray, love!