Life Coaster - Faith

This last week has been relatively quiet in my life other than having the same head cold that everyone else has in our County. However, that is not our normal.  I have really liked our last week and will take my head cold with all of it's phlegm and snot included.  I have visited with friends and family and read their postings on their blogs and Facebook and found out that they are all having so much stress that they're just hanging on.  I'm in shock that I'm not part of all the stress that everyone else is facing and it hurts my heart to know that so many people that I love are struggling and hurting.

I normally refer to my life as a roller coaster ride and even found this Thrill Scale and if I use this rating system to rate my normal life I think I'm somewhere between In(tense) and Ex(treme).  I will admit that there are times that this is a self imposed situation.  I know that my decisions impact my life and cause a lot of my drama.

I read a Blog that was recommended by my cousin that is written by her friends husband. He does an amazing job sharing his feelings everyday and most of them are based on his faith.  We belong to the same religion. I was raised within this religion and when I reached adolescence I began to question parts of my religion. Over the years I have had several times when both my husband and I have questioned our beliefs.  I enjoy reading other blogs and other posts on Facebook where people are so sure of their beliefs. I sometimes wonder how they can be so strong and never waver in their faith.  Never (as far as I know) question some of the commandments that we are to follow within our faith.

Why am I sharing this?  Because I am trying to make myself fit within this little box where I should be this perfect little member and even though this is the decision that we have made, I am still sometimes struggling with things. Many people will say that I am going through this because I don't have enough faith. Others will say that I am letting Satan influence my decisions and that is why I am struggling, that he is playing off of my weaknesses.  No matter what anyone else says or thinks about me, my problem is that I let their comments or what I think they might be thinking of me influence my choices.  This is when I start down the extreme life coaster (no wheels, thus life coaster instead of roller coaster) and stress myself out. I also missed church today because we are all still sick and so the guilt starts to set in.

No matter what I chose to do at this stage in my journey, there are truths that I know and will never deny. I know that  am a child of a loving Heavenly Father. I know that Christ suffered, died and was resurrected for me. I know that I need to have God in my life and a way for me to feel his presence in my life everyday. I know that there is a difference between taking a step back and becoming apostate.  I know that the scriptures are here for us to use in our lives. They help us and guide us through each of the ups and downs that we face.  I know that through Christ's Atonement that even when I struggle or question that as long as I'm doing everything I can to become a little better each day he will help me to find answers to those questions and fill in the rough spots.  He will not let me fail.

I spend so much time being so hard on myself and expecting perfection from myself even though I know, somewhere in here, that I'm not that far along in my journey to really expect that of myself. There is still so much that I have to learn and I need to be patient while I go through all the steps to get to a place where I can understand the answers that go with the questions that I have. At some point I need to understand that one of my challenges is that I was absent when patience was handed out.  I may always have some questions and things that I don't understand.  I will probably (okay, most likely) never learn how to ease up on myself.   But maybe, just maybe, if I keep reminding myself of what I do know then one day it might not be so hard to fit within my little box.  I already know that I find much happiness here and as long as I keep moving forward I hope to find more happiness.